Sitting and sitting bye and bye. Haven't even looked you in the eye.
Hey don't worry about me yeah you know I only ever twisted my self around. upside down...wishing I had no frown. That would be true if I knew what to do ........laughing comes in these rhythm's that include you........smile for miles when I think about it............then I step back and think is he thinking Bout something else....does he care what the fuck is going on here with me? i have showed him more ways then one that i love him. maybe i should just go and fuck myself. yeah cause you know i worry about all this stuff and what the fucking hell do i get from it but a big fucking headache
sure thank you I will have a bit of cheese with my wine...red of course.
maybe he doesn't want to because all you ever are is just a pile of nerves, shattered insides and rolls rolls of imagination. clouded by miles of nothing and miles with no understanding..........faster and faster I go and then and then.
I just keep going on and on with this unknowing feeling of disengagement, frustration that can not be cured by wine, men or song....not that I have had the later.....just wine,wine wine.
Well he maybe out in the way side driving in that big thing, I thought he was already !!
what the fuck do I know?
Fucking nothing I hate (bad word) I HATE NOT KNOWING FUCKING HATE IT!
Last we spoke was of strange theories and really all i ever want is to here the words clearly. but they come in a whisper, muffled against the phone. is he ashamed of what we did? does he want to take it back? Or is he drowning himself in other things just to get by? I haven't a clue because I have never been deployed nor will I ever be. I will be here however for him.....I pray he is there for me
Showing posts with label Daily Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily Pain. Show all posts
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A Fibromaylgia morning
Goooooood Morning World!
or rather it's morning.....
OK, were are my fucking pills, oh there they are. Come here I need to take three of you so I can get out of bed.
OK, OK I know I have to get up to get ready for work.
Get the kids dressed and ready for school.
or rather it's morning.....
OK, were are my fucking pills, oh there they are. Come here I need to take three of you so I can get out of bed.
OK, OK I know I have to get up to get ready for work.
Get the kids dressed and ready for school.
Still need to get out of bed.........OK I rolling off....need to stand up. I'm up now can I put my clothes on today? Put them on with out agonizing pain, DON"T BE LATE!
Tick Tick Tick goes the clock.
Kids are moving but always need me..........OK.....now what should I wear? Oh yeah I am getting dressed already.
Concentrate on the task at hand. Work you must make it to work on time! This is no excuse. Move it move it!
Pills are starting to move within my veins, up to my brain. Haaaaa OK in a commanding voice lets load up, get in the car and hit the traffic go go go go!
It hurts to steer the car, shift the gears, talk positive to the kids for the day but I muster up a few jokes and encouraging words for the little nephew and niece. They have gone through so much in there little life's that they should not be effected by the "Catch All" Fibromyalgia. That Auntie has I am supposed to be helping them. Give them a since of security.
I drop them off with a smile and mentally prepare for the eyes of work.
I try to keep this to myself.....unfortunately I have one of those faces that can't hide pain. Feelings are expressed on my face no matter how much make up, I call it my mask.
Okay, time to play the role I have my costume on, my mask is on.....now if only the pills would keep me going through the day. A day filled with thinking real thinking, deductive reasoning, government guidelines, computer staring at me all day and meetings of all kind.
Days end.....complete exhaustion as I enter my car to battle the traffic heading to get the kids. Try not to allow the pain to make me a total BITCH. This is no easy feat. Kids need attention, love and more. I have to be able to give that. The pills don't last this long. So I am on complete will power, turned up all the way.
How far does my will power take me?
Tick Tick Tick goes the clock.
Kids are moving but always need me..........OK.....now what should I wear? Oh yeah I am getting dressed already.
Concentrate on the task at hand. Work you must make it to work on time! This is no excuse. Move it move it!
Pills are starting to move within my veins, up to my brain. Haaaaa OK in a commanding voice lets load up, get in the car and hit the traffic go go go go!
It hurts to steer the car, shift the gears, talk positive to the kids for the day but I muster up a few jokes and encouraging words for the little nephew and niece. They have gone through so much in there little life's that they should not be effected by the "Catch All" Fibromyalgia. That Auntie has I am supposed to be helping them. Give them a since of security.
I drop them off with a smile and mentally prepare for the eyes of work.
I try to keep this to myself.....unfortunately I have one of those faces that can't hide pain. Feelings are expressed on my face no matter how much make up, I call it my mask.
Okay, time to play the role I have my costume on, my mask is on.....now if only the pills would keep me going through the day. A day filled with thinking real thinking, deductive reasoning, government guidelines, computer staring at me all day and meetings of all kind.
Days end.....complete exhaustion as I enter my car to battle the traffic heading to get the kids. Try not to allow the pain to make me a total BITCH. This is no easy feat. Kids need attention, love and more. I have to be able to give that. The pills don't last this long. So I am on complete will power, turned up all the way.
How far does my will power take me?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
sorry ass communication
So how many wife's out there hear from their husbands on a regular basis?
Just wondering if the lack of it is normal?
I wanna keep writing and talking to keep our young marriage going but with out communication (real) every 2weeks on the phone and very short emails. I get discouraged. I know that everyone is different and I know sometimes it is easy to just not think about what you missing out on. I am in need here for some real heart felt conversation.
I work continually and maybe it is because I am sick that I am noticing the lack of him in my life.
I get fucking pissed that I don't seem to be much of an importance.....I thought he was on mission....get an email saying he is going on mission...I thought he was....and this is going to be a long one so basically don't expect any thing from him.
Fuck is it selfish to want to have an email every third or so? Maybe a phone call? I see all these other wife's talking on online and it makes me wonder.
Help.........I want to be supportive but I feel that after a couple of months of deployment we should have this down.
I am just wondering how to handle the next 10 months>
Just wondering if the lack of it is normal?
I wanna keep writing and talking to keep our young marriage going but with out communication (real) every 2weeks on the phone and very short emails. I get discouraged. I know that everyone is different and I know sometimes it is easy to just not think about what you missing out on. I am in need here for some real heart felt conversation.
I work continually and maybe it is because I am sick that I am noticing the lack of him in my life.
I get fucking pissed that I don't seem to be much of an importance.....I thought he was on mission....get an email saying he is going on mission...I thought he was....and this is going to be a long one so basically don't expect any thing from him.
Fuck is it selfish to want to have an email every third or so? Maybe a phone call? I see all these other wife's talking on online and it makes me wonder.
Help.........I want to be supportive but I feel that after a couple of months of deployment we should have this down.
I am just wondering how to handle the next 10 months>
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